Lethargy. Apathy. Discouragement. Depression.

Idle hands and devilish playthings. 

My mind has become obsessed with the nothing; the absence of creation and being. Motivation is a commodity that has been out of my reach for what feels like centuries, each minute passing as though it’s molasses dripping in slow and long drops into a dish of junk food and missed opportunity. 

It’s so plainly simple to look around and see what I want to make myself to be in every word and photo and person that enters my frame of mind. I collect them all like baseball cards, hoping one day to be able to attach them to my skin and embody all that they are. I want to be thin and pretty and smart and dynamic and everything that all little girls dream of being. But more than that, I want to sparkle in every moment of my waking and sleeping. I want to be the beacon of envy and happiness, to feel like I’m deserving of all these things I’ve been lucky enough to have in my hands.

I’m starting some baby steps in order to remedy this severe state of nothingness. I have so many things in my head to create and be that I should have no patience for apathy. The first step was stringing together these letters into words and words into sentences to finally admit to myself what’s been conspiring and to take the first leap in figuring out what to do about it. 

Decide what to be and go be it.

this poem is amazing to me (from George Watsky, an Emerson kid). 

I sleep in my dreams. 

think about it. 

to me, it’s poetry.

Ok subconscious, message received. But could you chill the fuck out? Thanks. 

shake the dust. (humanity in a poem - seriously)

I found this today, 12 critical things you should never tolerate, by Barrie Davenport. 

1. Unhappiness at Work

You spend nearly half your life at your job. If you are unhappy, do you really want to give away that much of your life? Think of the impact it has on your emotional well-being, your health and your relationships. Think of the opportunities missed for doing something that you love that is fulfilling. Don’t settle for living this way forever. Find a job that you love. Get more education if necessary. At the least, make changes within your current job to lessen your unhappiness. 

2. A Long Commute

A long commute to work by car or public transportation is stressful and empty. Hours in vehicles adds up to days, months, years wasted in traveling when you could be doing and living. Find a job closer to home, or move closer to your job. Whatever your reason is for this commute, is it really worth the lost time? 

3. An Unhealthy Lifestyle

Are you overweight? Do you smoke? Are you sedentary? Do you eat junk? Do you abuse alcohol or other substances? An unhealthy lifestyle leads to an unhappy life. If you feel bad and look bad, you can’t enjoy life. This is your one and only life, and your body is your sacred garment. Take care of it now. 

4. Draining Relationships

If there are people in your life who are abusive, demeaning, angry, hurtful, not supportive, unethical, or crazy, it is time to let them go. You may have your reasons for hanging on, but do these reasons really outweigh the negative impact they have on your life? At the very least, find ways to cut back on interactions with these people. 

5. A Disordered Living Space

How you live is a reflection of who you are. You don’t need to live in a mansion with lots of stuff, but your living space should reflect the joy, order and peace you want in your life. It should be clean, orderly, and have some expressions of beauty and warmth. It should feel welcoming to you and to guests in your home. 

6. Negativity

It is around us all the time, invading our minds like termites. We hear and see negative ideas and images on the news. Our friends and associates share their negative stories or reactions to life events. We hear negative lyrics in songs or watch violence and abuse in movies or on TV. Before we know it, we feel negative and depressed about our lives. Turn it off. Walk away. Stop listening. Instead watch, read and listen to uplifting and positive ideas and information. 

7. Too Much Stuff

Over the years, we accumulate. We like to buy things. We like to have things. But these things require our time, energy, money and effort. They lose their shine and we lose our interest. They become a burden - something we have to dust rather than enjoy. Get rid of this stuff and free up time and energy in your life. 

8. Financial Problems

The stress and emotional pain caused by financial problems steals your joy and peace in life. Whatever you are doing now or did in the past to cause the problem, do something about it now. Yes, some financial difficulties are unavoidable, but do whatever you can to lessen the stress, even if it means delivering pizzas for awhile. If you are over-spending, stop. Sell some things. Very few “things” are worth the stress of money worries. 

9. Living Out of Your Integrity

Are you living in alignment with your values? Are you being true to yourself? Do you need to apologize for something or ask for forgiveness? When you are living outside of your integrity, it causes disruption in your soul and your psyche. It drains your energy, fosters guilt and saps your self-esteem. Get right with yourselves and others. 

10. Living Without Fun

If your life is all duty and work, even if the work is enjoyable, you are living out of balance. Fun and relaxation are necessary ingredients for a full and joyful life. By removing some of the other stresses from your life, you can make room for pleasurable activities, travel and entertainment. The world is your beautiful oyster meant to be enjoyed. 

11. Accepting Ignorance and Inertia

We use both of these as excuses not to do something. We talk ourselves into our own inability to accomplish or change because we are afraid. We are afraid it will be hard, we are afraid we might fail, we are afraid it won’t work. You and everyone else know these are excuses to avoid. Don’t accept them anymore. Stretch yourself. 

12. Lack of Communication

In every single relationship you have, especially your primary relationship, healthy communication is essential to your life happiness. When you aren’t communicating properly with someone, you feel anxious, angry, frustrated and helpless. Open, honest, loving communication is the number one ingredient for successful relationships. If you don’t know how to communicate in a healthy way, then learn how to and begin to implement these skills. 

I’ve sort of forgotten how to write. But for now, this:

What is it else? A madness most discreet, 

a choking gall and a preserving sweet. 

- Shakespeare (a man who knew)

I’ve never seen so many stars along the curvature of the horizon as I drove across the desert at night. Someone will need to convince me quickly to not buy a plot of land along the I-10 and spend my life gazing at them. 

true love.

nothing compares. no worries or cares. regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

(more adele. I’m addicted, but this is incredible)